Read at your own risk

卷缩在床角，抬头望着逐渐发黑的天空。
再过几个小时，一天——又这么过去了。
多扫兴的画面。
我宁愿把头缩回被子里去。
至少在里头可以找回一丝丝温暖。
原本冷冰冰的被子啊，被我这么缩起来抱着，抱得那么紧，不变暖才怪。

对呀
最近天气都好冷好冷。
在屋子里更难找到一小块暖暖的地方。

想泡泡网络，却没想到面子书最近比我家还要冷。
简直是夺命。

单调的假期，就会衍生出单调的我。
单调的我，就会衍生出一个荒芜的部落格。
所以，慧文，你可千千万万不可以怪我。

算了。打到一半，又不知道该怎么接下去了。

还是去为自己调制一杯白开水比较实际。

life as a fugitive

I’m a fugitive.

Yes. I’m a fugitive who had just escaped from the Punch-drunk Mental Ride for almost 1 week. Whatever it is, I’m bored. Really bored. Don’t punch me. How I wish that Punch-drunk Mental Ride is still ongoing, though I got to bury myself into the ridiculous hill of books.

The fun and joy only last for a few days. Now I’m getting more like a fugitive who has got no place to go. Now in the night I won’t bury myself in my comfy seed-bed before the 1st odd number struck the clock. I just sit there night-dreaming, listening to my radio sings. Thus, the next day in the morning, I wake up sluggishly, compellingly, only to find that every one has started their work except me. So, I make myself a cup of not-so-hot Milo and sit down under the fan, flipping the newspapers. I know it’s really enjoying. But it’s worst than a millionaire who throws his scrumptious food into the sea, cuz I’m actually throwing time! You won’t wanna know what I do in the afternoon.

So, I’m giving myself 3 options:
- find books-for-rent
- find a part time job
- take up a course

Books. I love books. I love the fragrance of books. I don’t think I’m a keen reader, but I love books. Books calm me. Books occupy me. Books please me. But there’s one thing I don’t like about books. Books burn a hole in my pocket! So, I gotta rent. But where in the world I’m going to find a book-renting store? I know. My friends are my book-renting stores. FOC some more. Hehe.

Part time job. I know I’m foolish, but taking up a part time job is always my dream. Part time job seems nice. Even being a waitress in a restaurant seems fun to me. Besides earning money, I hope to penetrate the little world of mine to take a look in the overwhelming outside-world. How hasty it is? How erratic it is?

Course. Any kind of course. Computer, design, art craft, language…. But it needs to be something special, a course which seldom people take. Surely not Japanese course or cooking. Anyway, it depends on my erratic and ever-changing interests. So, I guess I will probably make this as my last option.

Oh gosh~ I’m crapping! Cuz I’m boring!

childhood mémoire

When I were still a child…

If I were still a child, never ever grow up, but things do change according to what they should be, I guess I’m no longer the same me now. Somehow, I got a feeling that things only get worst after a period of time and they will never get better. Perhaps it’s because every time I wonder about anything I prefer, just then I realize that they are always far back in my past.

I have 2 adorable cousins. Everyone in the family used to say that it was a miracle that the 3 of us were given birth in the same year. I don’t quite remember the atmosphere when the 3 of us first met each other. Perhaps a little bit awkward plus a stream of joy. After all we were just babies. Soon, we learnt words and got used to talking. We learnt about each others’ names. Pretty soon, we found out that our faces changed so rapidly as well as our height! You don’t know how joyous my aunts and uncles, as well as dad and mom were when they were comparing our heights. I loved to watch them talking about the 3 of us. I enjoyed holding the microphone and singing along the sentimental songs with my aunt in a childish tone. I loved Chinese New Year, when everyone gathered at the old house. Yea, it all happened in the old house, where all my childhood mémoire were attached to. No divorce, no argues, no deaths. Only laughter. Lots of laughter.

I have thin hair since I was a small girl. So I always keep my hair short. But I do love ponytails. When I was small, mom always tried to put stuffs on my hair to please me. I loved the way she stroked my hair with her tender hands, even if the rubber bands were making me painful. She bought me lots of fancy hair bands till I could actually make a collection. But too bad, I don’t remember where I had put them. But I do remember that I didn’t throw any of them.

Ha! Don’t laugh! I actually adore Teletubies when I was small. (If you don’t know what’s teletubies, then just ignore this paragraph and jump to the other.) I guess I was about 4 or 5 years old that time, cuz my even childish brother was not even exist that time. I remember myself attending kindergarten in the morning and mom would help me to record the show which was shown in the morning. It was quite a hard task as CDs were not existed that time. What my mom used is actually called a tape, which you can hardly find one in the market now. It’s just like a cassette, but much more bigger. Once it is played, the content is gone. I don’t quite remember what the story is about, but I remember I had a good time watching the show every afternoon. I even collected stickers of them!

Sorry! No more paragraphs. Just trying to sweep off the boredom.

She don't know why. She just cry.

The glimmering sunlight that penetrated through the curtains, slowly seeped in through the space between my eyelids, following by the brand new oxygen. I woke up with a startle. Oh, a new day? I was not on my bed. Nor was i lying on top of my messy desk. I was right there in that scanty corner. A place i used to like, cuz it just fit my whole body whenever i squad or sit inside there. A place where no one could sense me there if he doesn't take a deep look inside my room. I used to have intimate conversations there. I used to read there. I used to sing there. I used to cry there. It just seems this is the place which suits me the best in this not-too-small house.

So, for the entire last night, i slept there. I don't know why. All i could remember is the rain which got heavier and heavier. The wind swooped in through the window which was left open and just made me sneeze a couple of times. Not willing to move a little, i huddled myself up more tightly, and just slowly slowly fell asleep. Time just passed so fast, cuz my face was still slightly wet and slippery near the cheeks in the morning. I wiped it dry with the back of my hand and just got up as i picked up the tissues which mopped away the wetness of the night.

Fancy

I really appreciate the wonders which are chained between us. Like a piece of melodious music. Lingering around the beams. How i wish 'forever' does exist....

I'm missing______

Till the next time we meet

Pn. Ross, you truly rocks!

It had been almost 3 years. And not to mention that 3 years really means a lot. And it was really more than fate when a teacher can teach a student and a student can be taught by the same teacher continuously for almost 3 years.

I was so glad and relieved to find this picture in one of my files. The only pic of me with Pn Ross. At least, I've got some memory with her. It was really unexpected. A teacher, whom i didn't actually care and notice so much, suddenly came in and declared the last day of her being in our class and watching us growing in a deteriorating school. I don't know if it's a lucky or a saddened thing for her. But something tells me that she is reluctant to leave us. So as us. My mind suddenly went blank when i learned about her leaving. But acting non-chalant is always the best thing that i could do. I stayed at my own place doing my own stuff, fooling around tricking the others with rubber bands. I was thinking and thinking... Should i go up to the teacher and wish her all the best? Or should i ask her to write a few words in my notebook? At least, I want some memory. She's a great teacher. I knew it right from the start. She's the best teacher I've ever met in my almost-3-year of secondary school. The prettiest smile she has and the warmest hug she has got. I could just feel tears roaming invisibly inside me when i got the greatest hug from Pn Ross. TT

-Pn Rosshirllyzza-
Will miss you so much...
All the best!

11.06 p.m.

The tale of a silly girl.

One week has gone. And i haven't update my blog since one week ago. Quite a lot of things happened ya? This was the first time, since i started blogging 2 years ago, that i don't really feel like posting. Though quite a lot of things did happened. Though i'm actually not that busy. Though i actually felt like expressing without limitations. I really want to shout! Shout out loudly for the first time in my life. But there isn't any place for me to shout either. That's impossible for me to shout in the school or on the crowded streets. People will think that i'm a fugitive who had just escaped from the mental problem hospital. I can't shout at home. My dad will surely give me a big slap till my trap goes shut! The only place where i can shout as long, and even as high pitch as i can--this small space which i own it myself, my personal territory, occupied by the abundance of my up-down feelings. It's like flipping over the immature photos of mine when i reread the older posts. What a silly girl!

I cried. Cause i'm still that silly girl. Never ever grow up. Acting childish without that puerile breathing. I always claim that my parents don't ever understand my situation. But actually so do i. I was really on the verge of a nervous breakdown that night, and i was so sorry that i cried. I shouldn't have cried. I could hear how my mom spoke up for me that day through the crevice of the toilet door. Guilt roams up my chest whenever i recall how my dad lay on the sofa in great devastation that day after seeing me cry. My heart aches when my dad still willing to meet my wills by buying me costly skirts as my Leo-U. I really feel bad about every single thing which i've done. Nothing seems to fit into the right place.

The only thing that seems to go into the right place is.... yea... the right place to cry. The right person to cry to. Somehow, I just thought of telling him all the things i'd encountered that night. I don't know why, but he seems to be the only person who gushed into my mind when my tears started to drop, and my mind told me that he can make me feel better. And he really did. Though i kept on crying on the phone, and maybe murmuring into the phone something that he couldn't understand what i was talking about. But he just stay there, right there, listening to my cryings and discomforts, cracking jokes to make this silly girl laugh like hell. I just want to tell him that i really appreciate what he had done. Thank you! ^^

So, I'd promised him that i'll take good care of myself all the way until PMR ends. 90 days to go!

10.58pm. I still have time to brush my teeth and change before 11.15pm. I keep my promise.